This is a transcript from a Dave Ramsey radio broadcast. If you have never heard of Dave Ramsey, get to know him and his advice RIGHT NOW.
Caller Question: Michael's wife is a free spender who hides it from Michael. He thought they were debt free after paying off $36,000 in debt, but then he discovered more. They talked about it and agreed to move forward, but now she's running up debt again. Can he legally protect himself here? Dave thinks there's a bigger issue at work on this one.
Dave Ramsey's advice: You talk about getting together and moving forward, and she's lied since then? What is her problem ... does she have an entire INTEGRITY breakdown? What is her freakin' problem?! There is deception going on here! This is a lying situation and a marriage can't operate on that. You guys need to get in marriage counseling immediately. You can put a fraud alert on accounts in your name, and open accounts in your name. You can threaten the bank and say you will prosecute them if she gets into an account with just your name on it. You can do all that, but you're treating the symptom. You can say, "I'm going to cut all finances out of her control. I'm going to completely shut her down until we get to the bottom of this, as a temporary measure." This is like infidelity. Take her name off everything and shut her down. Give her cash for groceries while you go through marriage counseling and bring back trust.
Caller Question: Michael's wife is a free spender who hides it from Michael. He thought they were debt free after paying off $36,000 in debt, but then he discovered more. They talked about it and agreed to move forward, but now she's running up debt again. Can he legally protect himself here? Dave thinks there's a bigger issue at work on this one.
Dave Ramsey's advice: You talk about getting together and moving forward, and she's lied since then? What is her problem ... does she have an entire INTEGRITY breakdown? What is her freakin' problem?! There is deception going on here! This is a lying situation and a marriage can't operate on that. You guys need to get in marriage counseling immediately. You can put a fraud alert on accounts in your name, and open accounts in your name. You can threaten the bank and say you will prosecute them if she gets into an account with just your name on it. You can do all that, but you're treating the symptom. You can say, "I'm going to cut all finances out of her control. I'm going to completely shut her down until we get to the bottom of this, as a temporary measure." This is like infidelity. Take her name off everything and shut her down. Give her cash for groceries while you go through marriage counseling and bring back trust.
So was that too harsh of Dave? I don't think so. I wish I could say that because I have an interest in saving money and I do my homework, Captain Stud listens to my amazing wisdom. And due to my fount of financial knowledge, my marriage is money problem free. The fact is I blamed our past marriage problems on money. That is the entire reason I became interested in getting debt free. At that point in time, in my mind
Debt Free = Good Marriage
I have since learned that this is not the case. However if you are debt free, it is one less thing to fight about. Being debt free is a goal. It is something to work towards together, as a team. There’s a reason team building and adventure camps are so popular with work forces, and there’s a reason they work! The short answer is because there is a defined goal with a set time limit. For example, “Get everyone on your team across the rope bridge before we leave on Friday.” That is a great goal. A great goal defines the who, the what, and the when. Where a good goal (purposefully) fails miserably is in direction. It doesn’t tell you HOW to accomplish this goal. That is up to the team member.
Direction is different for everyone. In our rope bridge scenario, Albert skips across the bridge without a care in the world. However Bob, with his acrophobia, takes hours, needs to be blindfolded, and is eventually lead across. Both have accomplished the goal but in different directions. Type A control freaks, like yours truly, have a really difficult time grasping that goals and directions are different. I have to remind myself daily that I can ask Captain Stud to do something for me or I can tell him how I want it done, but not both.
Direction is different for everyone. In our rope bridge scenario, Albert skips across the bridge without a care in the world. However Bob, with his acrophobia, takes hours, needs to be blindfolded, and is eventually lead across. Both have accomplished the goal but in different directions. Type A control freaks, like yours truly, have a really difficult time grasping that goals and directions are different. I have to remind myself daily that I can ask Captain Stud to do something for me or I can tell him how I want it done, but not both.
72% of couples under 30 (and in debt) say discussions on household finances ALWAYS lead to arguments. 43% of them keep some or all of "their debt" separate from their spouse. ~The Mint | Everyone knows that money problems lead to divorce, right? Well, yes and no. Most people think that the stress of living on a tight income is what causes divorce. Sometimes that is true, but typically a tight budget alone does not cause a couple to split. How about the millionaire next door? Their tight budget and living within it meant their financial security (the goal). If the goal is financial security, the direction is going to involve some form of budget. When couples fight about money, it seems to be because they have lost sight of their goal (financial security) and fight about the direction (budget). Here are some examples of financial odd couples and their potential fights. |
- The Roller Coaster: Couples seem to have a difficult time weathering financial peaks and valleys. Marriages seem to do better when incomes are stable; extreme highs, like lottery winnings, and lows are devastating to marriages.
- Spenders vs. Savers: Common sense seems to suggest that the saver will provide balance to the spender and vice versa, this is not what occurs in practice. Rather than balance each other out, spenders and savers just come to resent each other’s relationship with money.
- Control: Family law attorneys watch marriages combust where the major wage earner in the couple (man or woman) attempts to exert solo control over the family income.
- Values: Many couples have different values where money is concerned. Not surprisingly, this leads to conflict.
- Addiction: This is a far bigger problem than most people think. It may be gambling, tobacco, alcohol, or pornography.
Sadly, money issues can damage a marriage and lead to divorce. Recognizing the types of money problems that cause divorce is the best way to prevent divorce in the first place. As shown above, most fights about money aren’t about the money at all. Selflessness, trust, and respect are keys to any relationship. The very nature of a fight means there has to be a winner and a loser. If you win, then does that mean you married a loser? When it comes time to discuss budgets, write your goal on a notecard, leave it right in the middle of the table, and figure out which direction gets the team closer to the goal. And remember, your direction doesn't have to be his direction as long as the goal is the same.